Seasons passing

On this first day of winter, this shortest day of the year, I am struck with the velocity of time's passing. The dark to the light. The light to the dark. The season's pass and on we are to the next.

We are lucky here in Austin to have such a strong and big and amazing community of strong and amazing mamas. Truly I feel as if every time I turn around I am meeting up with another mama trying to live the most true life they can. And by true I mean true to themselves and their partners and their kiddos too.

I have sat in circles with many mamas over the years and I think the thing I love the most is that, sure there are talks of babies and toddlers and the things they do and need, but also there is talk of philosophy around family life and creative pursuits and commitment to partnerships and exploring new pathways and finding ways to do it all as fully as you possibly can.

Lately I have realized that I have become one of the senior moms amongst the younger set. Sure I am in my mid-forties but I have also been parenting for a collective 32 years if you add up the ages and that has given me a lot of information and ideas - some of it of course I learned the hard way! I love sitting with moms of little ones and sharing what I know. I love hearing their tales and reminding them that this too shall pass for I remember being in their shoes and sitting with the parents of the olders and having them say to me these very same words, "this too shall pass."

When we are in it with our wee ones we forget that it is fleeting. We think it will be like this always. I feel that way now in some ways with my 12, 10, 7 and 3 year old too. That this is where we shall be but then I look back just one year ago and see it is ever changing.

And I am reminded from all of this that family life is for the now. But it is for the long haul too. It is for when we are all under the same roof. And for when the children scatter to their various homes and individual lives.

We can learn about this future life we'll have, or at least get some glimpse into it, by looking at others whose kids are just a few years beyond us. Got a toddler? Look at an elementary school family. Got a school kid? Look at a high schooler or college kid. And know you will be there sooner than a blink.

I think knowing that it's all so fleeting and ever changing might let us appreciate a little more just where we are now. In the thick of it. Whatever that thick of it may be. And the season's pass and on we are to the next.

The boys are back in town

On Friday, after school, I took seven 9 and 10 year old boys home from school for a 10 year old party. The plans were simple: bonfire in the yard, hotdogs cooked on skewers, marshmallows on the same skewers, some relay races in the alley, a treasure hunt in the yard and play, play, play.

I gave them the lowdown on the way home. Went over a few fire rules for those that weren't too familiar with the beast. Once it goes in the fire, it stays in the fire. Nothing other than wood or paper. Paper must be balled up before it gets tossed in or it flies out like a fiery paper airplane. No wrestling around the fire. And, this was an outdoor party and there was no reason to go inside unless of course you needed to use the bathroom. And even then, if you needed to pee, well, you make the call.

Once home they were released into the yard and the play commenced with full force. One glance out the window found the 14 foot high slide with all manner of objects being used as vehicles for sliding: cardboard, plastic buckets, tonka trucks. The rope swing was in perpetual full swing. Boys sliding down the poles landing in hysterical heaps at the bottom. It looked like a veritable Cirque de Soleil: Lord of the Flies edition.

My job at this point was to keep them proteined up and within the legal limits of safety. All went well and when I saw it was starting to turn a little ugly I jumped in with more protein and relay races in the alley: running, scooters, bikes, etc. A half hour of that in all manner of configurations got enough of the crazies out to let them loose once again.

All afternoon I admit I had to keep myself from jumping in where I wasn't truly needed. Seeing a couple of boys wrestling I checked their faces before intervening. Was that joy in their eyes? Or anger? Joy? Okay, you're on your own. Even later when a tooth got knocked out on the birthday boy (a baby tooth, no worries), after he stopped crying, he went on about how no one was to blame. A few minutes later they were all right back at it.

At the end of the night my birthday boy said it was his best birthday ever. And the amount of effort on my end was probably the least amount ever. Perhaps it's because 9 and 10 year olds are so self-sufficient. Perhaps it's because each year I learn a little more about letting go. Perhaps too it's because when 9 and 10 year old boys are left to self-govern, they can actually determine some things on their own like who goes first and when a fun fight has gone too far. I love the boy energy. And of course being outside around a fire on a chilly Austin afternoon never hurts either.

Happy birthday 10 year old!!!

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Okay. So I fricking hit the edge today with this job of mine that involves four children for whom I am responsible and to whom I am accountable.

It was a good morning. A chilly rainy morn meant a little movie watching for the elders and the littlest whilst the middle and I made delicious (and nutritious) oatmeal raisin cookies. Really fun, right? Really slow. Nowhere to go. Nobody to meet. Just hanging out at home which was my plan because all week I've been running and I actually PLANNED to have this day with no plans. Great. Love it.

Then the afternoon, a little group tidy up. Small tidy up. Not even the big family blitz which involves actual cleaning not just tidying. Simple stuff like picking crap up off the floor and making it look less like a hovel and more like a home. It doesn't take much (in either direction really). So I wasn't asking too much. (Insert: children declaring injustice here.) Maybe 30 minutes TOTAL of participation and help. I had to ask a lot of times for what I needed but I didn't lose my cool. In fact, I was pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Then that afternoon we all went out for a little hike because the rain had passed and though it was still chilly it was actually kind of nice and I could see us all spiraling into cranksville and we needed to get. out. side. (Insert: sibling bickering here.) We hopped in the car and hit the greenbelt and had a grand old time. Seeing the water where just a few months ago there had been none and hiding on the trail and looking for birds and playing games and sending sticks downstream and skipping rocks across the creek.

On the way home we planned a super simple breakfast for dinner because it was late and we needed something fast and I set my intentions out loud for how we would enter the house: let's all help each other get inside, remember we're on the same team, get ready for bed while I make supper.

I don't know what happened here but things were crazy. Nobody listening to me or each other. Crazy giddy laughter at dinner. Not the fun kind of giddy but that crazy kind that just, well, makes you kind of crazy and the kind that would make my mom say, "That kind of laughing turns to crying".

Post supper the crazy continued. And escalated. And each request I made was met by insanity and ignoring. And our usual bedtime routine was filled with just nuttiness. Not the fun kind of nuttiness but the kind that just makes you, well, nutty.

And then I lost it. And I declared (out very loud mind you) that I was tired of having to repeat myself for things they know to do. And I don't want to ask so much. And why did you go out in the living room when I just asked you to go into your bedroom and don't look at me like that and do you need me to lose it in order to do what I know and you know you're supposed to do?? And a slight pause. And then, still, the maniacal laughter, the kind that grows because they're in it together, and maybe there should be some gratitude that they're not fighting but this feels just as intense and I really fricking lost it.

And I walked out of the room. And sat in the chair. And I planted my feet firmly on the floor. And my son brought me some Stress Less. And I regained composure. And later on I came up with a plan. Based on my daughter's habit lately of saying "second request" when she has to ask for something twice. She says it nicely and with a kind of funniness in her tone and it always (usually) makes me chuckle.

So I told them that from now on, I will ask for something. And when I ask again I will say, "second request". And when I have to ask again I will say "third request" and, at that point, I will start charging. And they will either be fined or pay with an extra job. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt in that I understand sometimes we forget to do stuff. But then when I have to keep asking, I'm not going to do it without them realizing that in order for this to work, we really do need to work together. My time. Their time. Our time.

So, we'll see.

And a question for you. Do you ever fine your kids? It does feel old fashioned but seems to work for the olders.

Sometimes...

Overwhelm hits. And it feels like me, myself and I are spread just a wee bit too thin. And the feeling that I am leaving a trail of disappointment in my wake hits just a wee bit too strong.

And then I get a night. With just a few good mamas. And plenty of time and space. To talk and drink a beer and make something really cool and creative and unique.

And the feeling of overwhelm diminishes. And I realize that when I have that feeling I really just need to slow down. And really and truly connect. First with myself and then with some near and dear ones. Not in the quick little banter way that is usually my week, but in a real, sit down, let's talk AND let's listen kind of way. And to add making to the mix means I get a tangible reminder at the end of the comfort that connection brings.

This connection is, without a glimmer of a doubt, the absolute key to it all. And the making too.

The Santa myth

I'm thinking about blowing the lid off the Santa thing. Not because I don't like magic and ritual and fantasy, but because it kind of feels rife with lies and leans a little too heavy on consumption. I go through this feeling every year but this year it's stronger than ever. Perhaps it's the times. Perhaps it's our times - financially speaking that is.

We don't wrap Santa up in any of the good behavior/bad behavior thing. Just a fat magic guy that brings gifts and flies all around the world popping in on kids to leave a spirit of magic and gifts too. I admit, as I type, I'm feeling a little cynical, but really I wonder, what kind of magic is it?

Don't get me wrong, I do love magic. And I leave fairy notes. And we leave carrots for reindeers and cookies for Santa. And one year, at my mom's in New Jersey, an antler dropped on the back deck on Christmas Eve. And though my 12 year old now doubts the existence of Santa, she has no doubt at all about the fact that of course a reindeer dropped that at Grandma's because how the heck else could it have gotten there?

I would love to hear how others spin these tales. And this guy called Santa.

Holiday stuffing

As we hit the last day of November and the first official weekend of the holiday season has passed and I begin pondering the fact that there are less than 5 weeks left in the year, I find myself wondering just what our holiday season is going to look like this year.

This past long holiday weekend, during a slow and sunny morning, we did a little cleaning and purging around the house. I gave each child their job list, with the warning that any excessive whining and complaining would inevitably lead to another job being added to their list because, well, if you were going to take my time with complaints, I was going to then need to have to "borrow" some of your time for chores. But perhaps that's a post for another day. Anyway...

Floors were swept, toy bins were tidied, and an entire laundry basket of stuffed animals and other sundry toys was set aside for donation to some such place or another. These were things that nobody had touched in the past year or so. Many of them having spent the last year in that same laundry basket in the hallway, blocking the doorway in a very non-feng-shui way. And these were things that were even kind of cute, but decidedly not necessary to even the most giant and far reaching of imaginative play.

A couple hours later things were, if not exactly clean, at least a little tidier, and we all felt good about getting rid of some excessive stuff. Not a lot. But some. And we all agreed that there were a lot of things that came into our world that nobody wanted or needed. And we vowed to make a change. Really. And this was our first small step.

That afternoon we went out for a hike with some friends into the beautifully clear, cool and sunny day that stretched out before us. Hiking, hanging with friends, climbing trees, looking for birds, making boats with sticks and leaves and sailing them down the creek. Truly. That pure and good.

And we returned home tired but happy.

As we approached the front door we saw someone had left us something. Something big. A big basket stuffed with something holiday-ish and all wrapped up in Christmas cellophane. First there was excitement. WOO-HOO!!! A PACKAGE!!! And then a sinking feeling when I glanced closer. The entire basket was stuffed with stuffed animals of the Christmas variety all dressed in Christmas garments. And other holiday paraphernalia, all made in one specific country, and all painted and decorated with the required holiday theme.

Even the kids recognized the humor as their excitement too turned to the recognition of irony.

And so it begins. This holiday season.

Now I don't want to appear ungrateful to the sender - who has still not been revealed. We appreciate so much that we were thought of and tended to from your heart. I know this gift was from the heart. And I recognize that by writing this I may appear ungrateful or that I am raising ingrates. But really I just want to know how to stop the influx of stuff into our house when we are six people who have so many loving and giving people in our lives. Because while we love the people, we really can't continue to keep all the stuff that comes our way. We love the people. I want to say that again and again so that that part of the message is clear. We. Love. The. People.

But we cannot keep the stuff.

And so I wonder what to do this time of year. What do you do this time of year? With all the stuff that comes your way? That feels an inevitable part of childhood in this country. And maybe others too I don't know.

I love the holidays for so many of its aspects. The rituals. The cooking. The giving. The connection. The singing. The gathering. The parties. The crafting. And the feeling of love and gratitude that accompanies it all.

Bring on the maximum of all of that. But I'd prefer to keep the stuff to a minimum.

To schedule, or not to schedule. That is the question

It's coming up on the time soon when we have to turn in basketball registration for my 9 year old son. He played the last couple of winters and had a decent time of it. He wasn't in love with it but he liked it okay. I wasn't so crazy about the "drug free" emphasis of it all which you may remember me ranting about.

I was talking with a friend about it yesterday inquiring if they were signing up again so we could be on the same team. It's just more fun that way for me. And since I have to go I want to make it as fun as possible. She said she wasn't going to. She said too that currently they have no scheduled activities, lessons or anything and it was going so great that she wanted to continue it.

I totally understood what she was saying. We also have had no scheduled after school things this fall and it's just been feeling kind of spacious - especially since there are six of us in the household around which we might be scheduling things.

As we were talking we thought that maybe we could schedule our own basketball game. In the park. Just for fun. Then we would get our desired time together. And the kids could play ball. And we would put it on the calendar so it felt "official".

So I'm pondering. And I'll discuss it with my son and see what he wants to do. And we'll take it from there. I just love the idea of the free range sports scheduling as a way of doing extra-curricular.